I want to write this while its still fresh in my heart. this is very hard for me to write without bursting into tears, but that’s what blogs are supposed to be about, right? raw feelings, truth and emotion. so here it goes. a lot of you probably know that we have been struggling to have another child. we have been trying for about 18 months now with no success or further answers. I was seeing the same OB/GYN that I had when we had our fist child, and every test I have had to order. at 2 miscarriages we had tested for Lupus and Thyroid, which have both come back as fine. but nothing has been ordered since. no call for a check up, nothing. which as we all know, that just doesn’t happen these days. that would require too much time; and that’s basically the whole point of this post: COMPASSION, or the lack of it. not once did I have a doctor tell me they were sorry for our loss. instead I got, “well how do you know?!” in a snotty tone. Like us patients aren’t supposed to know our bodies. well i’m sorry, but asking in that way is almost the same as asking a mother to double check the casket. I know every time something is different with my body. especially on this matter, cause I want SO much to have another beautiful baby to call me “mama.” but to get that asked to me before, “are you okay?” is gut wrenching. Well yesterday was our 6th miscarriage. Today I went to a new doctor and he did more for me in one day than my past doctor did in 18 months. it was amazing to have a doctor who actually cares. I mean lets face it, 6 miscarriages at 24 years of age is ridiculous. For a doctor to even let it get that far is heart breaking. Isn’t that why we have doctors? to help you? apparently not some. But praise the Lord a friend suggested hers to me. While we (my son and I) were there he did a pelvic exam and an internal sonogram. He discovered that my uterus and everything else looks great and healthy. He doesn’t understand why I can’t keep a pregnancy past 4 weeks and 5 days. But he’s hopeful that we will find the answer. so after the sonogram I asked him what he thought, and he said that I did have a miscarriage, and to hear that from a doctor, even after I already knew was devastating. I couldn’t keep the tears back. all my emotions from the past 6 losses just overwhelmed me, and made it all that much more real. he handed me a tissue and laid his hand on my shoulder and said, “we will make it through this.” then before I left he said, “i’m sorry about today.” those few words meant the whole world me! in that moment I felt, “wow! this is finally happening! I finally have a good doctor!” and it really shouldn’t be this way! doctors I understand go through a lot, and they see a lot of bad things. But to completely shield your heart is so wrong. Don’t be a doctor if you don’t have at least a little compassion. Maybe i’m crazy for thinking this. I am not a doctor. But as a patient going through the toughest time of my life, a caring doctor always means so much more!
I thank God each and every day for the son and family i’m blessed to have. I also pray all the time for God to heal my heart, because its SO hard. I have to keep my head held high for my family. I do know that without God, I wouldn’t be near this strong.