As a lot of you may already know, my FIL is a pastor. Before I was saved, I never understood how he, and others were able to preach, or even talk about God without questioning what they were saying. I didn’t understand the happiness that came with preaching and sharing the gospel with others…till this past week.
Last week I had a strong urge to read the Old Testament, so of course I listened. My father, mother, brother and sister all had major questions for me. Well, guess what? All their answers were in the first 5 books. The 5 books I had just finished reading. Last time we were in WV visiting with my in laws, My FIL had said something that may not have meant anything at the time, but it stuck with me. He said, “obey now, understand later.” Those 4 words, simple yet strong had a huge impact on my week. Often times, God will try to communicate with us through feelings, signs and maybe even spoken word. Since being baptized last thanksgiving, His “voice” is much clearer. Any time I feel it, I try to obey as much as possible. When my family had started asking me questions, I immediately prayed for God to guide me, and help me receive the correct answers and things to say. He definitely came though. After speaking with each of them, on different days and times, I felt so wonderful! A feeling I hadn’t ever felt before. For me, sharing the gospel is beautiful. I find it fascinating and amazing all in one! I mean, how great is it that we have someone SO amazing as Jesus Christ, who died for US, so we can be free? So we can have eternal life with Him. It brings me to a song I just heard this year called Who am I, by Casting Crowns. Really though, who am I? What did I do to receive something and someone so amazing?! God loves us SO much that He gave His one and only Son so we can be free. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I could give my son to someone, to kill him, so another could be free. But of course those are feelings of the flesh. But the point is, that IS just how much God loves us! It may sound extreme, but Jesus’ death was pretty extreme!! If we really think about it, if we don’t accept Him then He died for nothing. A beautiful gift worth recieving.
This is just one example of God’s amazing works in my life. Another is, while I was on my beach retreat this summer, I received a bracelet upon winning a game. Though it may be simple to some, to win a bracelet. But this bracelet was one of 4 and I was the one to receive the only “mom” one. It was God telling me, “you are a mother. Cherish it!” We love and cherish every moment, and milesecond with our child so much we want another. It has been a year this month since trying. Though we still haven’t conceived, that was a very glorious sign that I most definitely needed. You see, that day, prior to recieving this blessing, I was very emotional and depressed. Being at the beach, seeing many pregnant women, and many families with multiple children was really getting to me. Of course I am happy for all those people! I just felt down because that is something I want very much, another child. To be pregnant, have another little one calling me “mama,” having to tell my children to stop fighting, or be nice to your sibling Ect. At the end of the night, during bible study I won the bracelet. My heart swelled. I could feel God was telling me that everything would be okay! I went up to my room and called my husband bawling my eyes out. He of course was concerned until I told him why, then he felt sad for me… helpless. I do believe it is hard for a man to fully understand the hurt a woman feels when she is struggling to get pregnant. But my husband has always been extremely comforting and supportive. Something I most desperately need at this time. Upon talking to him I mentioned to him all the pregnant women, and the families, and how sad I was all day. Then I told him about the bracelet and, how it was God giving me a sign. That night really changed how I’ve been feeling about not conceiving. For the longest time I was extremely depressed. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me. I’m 25!!! I shouldn’t be struggling this bad to have another baby! Our first was simple, one try and done! But it hit me like a pound of bricks. I DO have a child, I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a stay at home mom, I am blessed! Sometimes we unintentionally forget just HOW blessed we really are! We constantly want, want, want not realizing we have SO much right in front of us. I then felt bad for the way I had been feeling. There are some families out there who can’t have one child, and I’m being greedy wanting another. There are even some who have lost their child or children. I asked God for forgiveness that night and to help heal my heart. Since then I honestly do feel different about the situation. If it happens, it happens. If not, then we are perfectly fine with it. God knows how much I love our child and how much I wanted to be a mother, so he blessed me with it. If He calls for us to have another, then He will bless us again. Something that has been a struggle is, truly letting go, and letting God. Sometimes I don’t know if I want another child, and sometimes I do. Sometimes I think maybe the thought of another is better than actually having one. I miss being pregnant, I miss breast feeding, I miss tiny toes and hand, I miss waking up at 2 AM cause my baby needs me. But am I able to really handle 2 children on my own as my husband is hardly home? Do I really want to go through all those newborn stages again? Do I really want to be out of work another 3-4 years? Am I willing to go through fertility if needed? I think God knows this and that’s why He has been watching out for us. He is in control and we are perfectly fine with that. We are blessed regardless. Think about your life, and all the things you DO have. You are blessed!