Advice · Babies · Uplifting · venting

This is me. I’m not sorry

I’ve always been on a different level than most of the people I grew up with. Most of the girls I grew up with all dreamt of prom, partying, their wedding day, and college.  Me? My greatest dream has always been to be a stay at home mom and wife. Cook dinner every night, have dinner ready for my husband when he came home from work, do his laundry, keep our home clean, and spend as much time with our child(ren) as possible, etc. We got married in June 2012, conceived our first child the same year in November. I was living my dream! Once our sweet little boy turned 2, we were ready for another little ham. We have been trying to conceive our second since June of this year. Unfortunately we have had 2 miscarriages. They both took a hard toll on me emotionally. All I have ever looked forward to was being a wife and a mother. To have conceived our son first try was such a blessing, he is such a blessing and true gift from God!! I truly feel for those who are un-able to have children or have struggled to have more, or even just have one! This is why it pains me so much when people say rude and hurtful things to me or others. For example, when we had our son I was one for holding him all the time, I didn’t want to put him down. I loved the way he smelled, smiled up at me, everything, I couldn’t get enough of him! People would tell me “oh you’re going to spoil him, put him down and let him be alone!” “What do you mean he still sleeps with you?!” “Let him play by himself, or you’ll smother him!” “What do you mean he’s not on a schedule, you will learn!” Like these simple acts of motherly love were the worst thing I could do to/with our newborn child. Our sons, now 2 and were still getting rude comments from people and other parents, mothers mostly, about the way we raise OUR CHILD. It’s absolutely ridiculous!  Now I get questions like, “how many children do you want?” to which I respond 6. The look of utter shock on their faces is sometimes heart breaking. To which they respond “Yeah, good luck with that! You’ll learn!”  People these days seem to never have anything nice to say. Everyone has their own opinions and anything we say or do is against them. (Will we have 6 children? Probably not, as my husband only wants 2. Which I am completely fine with :D!) Or they are the best mother In the WHOLE world, and they have to compete with every other mom out there. I honestly believe that these comments will never end. The ones that hurt me the most are those who know we have had 2 miscarriages, ask me, “well aren’t you happy you have your son, at least you have one.” It’s not the point of if I’m happy with my child or not. What kind of question is that?!  Of course I am happy with my child! Of course we are blessed to have him! Is it so bad for a family, or a parent to desire more children? Why make a person feel selfish, or horrible for desiring more? Especially, when you know how painful the road has been. Am I not supposed to have feelings or desires? How cruel. Some people don’t even realize they are being mean or rude, since I get these a lot, most of the time I ignore the comments. But other times when it is a recurring matter from certain people who consistently do it, I do say something. Inside my heart is breaking. As I’m sure every woman and family feels if they are in this situation, or one like it. It’s natural to be hurt, or feel angry towards others. Were HUMAN! Of course if my husband and I, were told we couldn’t have any more children, I would accept it. God has huge plans for my family and I, and I trust in Him. It would be devastating, but that’s not something I can control.

Anyone reading this please think twice before making a sly comment to a woman, mother or family. You don’t know what they may be struggling with. I spoil my son as much as possible. Why? Because I’ve wanted him since I can remember. I breastfed him because I wanted the bond, and for him to be as healthy as I could help him be.  There is nothing wrong with formula; I just always wanted to breast feed. He slept next to us till he was almost 1 year new because I was terrified he would roll over and suffocate. Or get his little head stuck in the crib, even with mesh crib bumpers. I was scared he would randomly stop breathing from SIDS. Call me crazy, whatever you want. These were my fears as HIS MOTHER. I didn’t let him play on the floor alone as I am 23 years young. There is no problem with me sitting or lying on the floor next to him, playing along with him. If you don’t want to know how many children someone wants or desires then don’t ask, unless you have something nice to say about it in return. I have an Aunt who struggled to have more children. I knew about her struggle most of my life. So growing up with that knowledge, it had become a major fear of mine. So I had made a commitment to myself that I would have kids as young as possible, and we did. Now to be struggling to have another precious little bundle is almost like living MY worst nightmare.

This is me. I am the mother who loves her child unconditionally and with every ounce I have. If this bothers you, or you have nothing nice to say about it then I’m really not sorry. I’m not sorry for the billionth “I love you” to my baby boy in one day. I’m not sorry for the billionth hug, or kiss before lunch time. I’m not sorry for breast feeding him till he was 6 months when I wanted to go till he was 2 years of age. I’m not sorry for having him sleep next to me, in his bassinet when he was a newborn, because every 2 hours I had the cutest alarm clock I could have asked for, and calmed nerves. I’m not sorry he still sleeps with us when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Because comforting him is something we will always do. I’m not sorry that I give him my 100% undivided attention, because we now have a bond that is beautiful. I’m not sorry for desiring more children because this is our life, our wish and our dream. I’m not sorry for spoiling, holding, rocking to sleep, not hanging out with friends, because this is OUR FAMILY, OUR CHILD(REN) not yours. I’m not sorry and never will be. This is OUR way of parenting. Just because yours is different doesn’t mean ours is wrong.

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